You Can't Make This Up!

Oh my goodness, what a night. I'm beat and am having one of those am-I-fit-to-be-a-parent days. It often happens when I haven't slept (the heat is keeping the babies up) and have cramps, which is today.


So my mum and I ambitiously take the kids to the lake today which was fine...did the hotdog and snacks thing, and the kids loved it. But then I saw it happen: the twitch that occurs in my almost-4-year-old son's eye when he transforms from his sweet little self to this little tyrant. The kind that does everything you ask him not to, pesters everyone until they're blue in the face, and even hits with almost no provocation. For no apparent reason except that I think he has this pent-up energy that needs to be expended in a productive way but the heat and my lack of energy prevents that from happening. Plus my husband is between night shifts so he isn't readily available. 

This behaviour continues all day and at the end of the day, I'm at the end of my rope. I angrily tell my son that I no longer want to be around him if he is going to continue pushing everyone away so I go outside to cool off. Meanwhile, he seems to understand that I mean business and all is ok...until the bath. 


Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the ultimate parental nightmare. It goes something like this...


The kids are behaving and having a grand ol' time. Co-operating, laughing, splashing in the water like puppies romping in a puddle; like baby unicorns prancing in a field of pansies. I'm even starting to smile for the first time in the evening. I say to the kids with love in my eye-lash-batting eyes..."be back in 10 seconds, I just have to get the towels!" and off I go cheerily down the hall thinking "sigh, what was my problem today? I love kids. I love parenthood. Bring it on world."


I come back to my son rocking the water back and forth like a giant wave-pool. A minor irritation but something that can be easily cleaned up and I'm done battling so I just watch lovingly as he and my 16-month-old daughter are laughing in the waves. "ok, i say, enough water mess, let's get you guys dried off!". 


Then my son says "oh mum, I forgot to tell you that sister pooed in the tub."


I stare, unblinking for a few moments...the whole world has come to a stop, i step off my little cheery merry-go-round, the birds in my head cease their sweet sweet song.


"WHAT THE FUCK???!!! when???"


"just before you went to get the towels."


So the whole time he's swirling the water around, spraying the walls, the floors, me, everything...he's been swirling the excrement around with it! I imagine pieces of poo oozing into every nook and cranny in the bathroom and am desperately fighting off a panic attack because my husband is at work and I have to keep my shit together. I gasp, curse, yell, panic in horror and throw them in the shower to clean them off and of course they hate showers and think I'm deliberately torturing them. No amount of rationalization can convince them that the shower is for their own good. 


During their snack I bleach the shit out of my bathroom. And put the soiled toys in a bucket to deal with later once I've emptied the dishwasher...big mistake. Because later while I'm flossing my son's teeth on his bed, my daughter has snuck into the bathroom and brings a couple of the toys over to us and dumps the water inside them on us. Onto round two of changing, clothing etc. I'm serious, this all happened just like this. 

Anyway, I've tried to keep my blog free of ranting but I had to share this. Because I know there's parents out there who will laugh and reflect on their own similar experiences, and others who shudder to think it might happen to them. My childless friends will probably gag and think "I couldn't deal with that." And it gives me the opportunity to just share it with others and also provides me with a record of the event to which I can refer when I'm older and need a good laugh about the good times with young children. Good grief! Glad the kids are asleep. Going to indulge in some Haagen Dazs Coffee ice cream and pack for my first camping trip with the kids. That should be interesting.